How to take extreme responsibility in your marriage and soften it with abundant love and compassionate communication.

Disclaimer: I declare that what I write about in this article is not something that I have mastered yet.  My intention is to fulfil my duty as a husband and a family man, but I also know I have a long distance to travel.  Perhaps if I’m walking down the right path and I’m willing to keep walking, then eventually I’ll make progress…

When in a marriage or intimate relationship of any sort, you experience good days and you experience not so good days.  There are some days you are both all loved up, and others where you can’t stand to be even in the same room as your partner. 

Situations in your marriage can be those which are pleasant to experience, such as a fresh pot of coffee waiting for you first thing in the morning when you wake up every day, or being whisked away to exotic destinations throughout the year. Situations can also arise which are frustrating or painful to experience like your spouse hogging the duvet or something much more serious such as verbal or physical abuse.

So what happens in these situations that makes marriage such a roller coaster of a ride?  Is it time to pay a visit to the ER (Emergency Room) or are you prepared to explore the position of ‘Extreme Responsibility’?

Let me give you the lowdown on part of the karmic process so that you get a glimpse of why certain situations arise in your life the way they do:

You, the Soul, are bound at this point in time by a number of karmic clusters which each have their own pre-determined “time-bomb”.  These karmic particles are roughly categorised as bad karma (paap) and better karma (punya).  

When the karma comes to fruition, you experience in your life a specific situation.  The situation could be that you come home from a long day at work to a loving wife who has caringly prepared a meal for you.  The moment you take your first mouthful, the subtleties of a situation present themselves based on the types of karma that come to fruition.

If the karma coming to fruition was initially bound as a form of ‘punya’, then you may find the first mouthful very pleasing to taste and would continue to enjoy the delicious meal which your wife has so lovingly prepared.  On the other hand, if the karma coming to fruition was initially bound as a form of ‘paap’, then the first morsel of food you consume may contain a very hot chilli, and you may get angry about the experience and throw the plate across the table!

Both of these situations started from a place of warmth and love on the side of your wife, but the first spoonful you are presented with is a result of your own karma coming to fruition, whether paap or punya.

In essence, the Soul is bound by a cluster of karmic particles that result in the fruition of karma at a later moment in time.  This we witness as “life’s situations”.

In The Self Realization (a translation of Atma-Siddhi by Srimad Rajchandra) the interpretation of stanza 82 states that “The Soul’s deluded imagination originates sentient actions such as impulses, desires etc.  They induce the Soul’s energy to work in attracting to it the superfine material elements (Karma-vargana) and the latter intertwine with the Soul resulting in its bondage.  This is how the Soul is said to be bound by material actions.”

So when you, the Soul, delude yourself into thinking that you are the body, desires to do with the body start to surface, and these desires result in the attraction of karmic matter to the Soul.

You may say, “Why should it matter to me?  I’m not to blame for this karma.  It’s my wife’s fault anyway.  Shouldn’t she have thought through the meal she’s preparing?  It’s a wife’s responsibility to keep her husband well fed and looked after, isn’t it!?”  

You see, this is where the problem lies - you’re putting the full responsibility of the experience on something or someone outside of yourself (your wife in this instance).  It was down to your own bodily impulses and instant reactions which led to karma being bound to the Soul in the first place, which in turn led to the same karma manifesting as a situation in your life.  

Now here’s where it gets dangerous…

In relationships and pretty much anything in life, we tend to instantly react to the situation we’re experiencing.  We rarely take the time to observe ourselves and nip this process in the bud.

The enjoyment (raag) of a delicious meal could result in the expectation of every single meal being of this standard, and the dislike (dwesh) of a meal which is too spicy could result in “Why did you have to make it so spicy!?  Don’t you care about me?  Now I’ll have to go to bed hungry!”  

This continuous experience of raag and dwesh, attraction and aversion, likes and dislikes, bring rise to the kashaya (passions) such as anger, greed, ego and deceit.  The way you express yourself through these kashaya (via thought, speech and action) attracts further karma towards the Soul.

This one negative reaction to something you dislike has a vicious knock-on effect which leads to more and more conflict and many wasted days of arguments and tears.

Perhaps it’s time you took Extreme Responsibility for the situations you’re experiencing rather than heading straight to the Emergency Room to place blame and create more pain. 

Note to self: 

I am responsible for everything that I am experiencing.  It is due to the karmic clusters which I had previously bound to my soul which are now coming to fruition.  

My words and deeds, amplified by the quality of my thoughts at the time, determined the level of vibration my Soul sent out, which attracted and bound those clusters of karmic particles that bound to my soul, which in turn I am now enjoying or suffering for.  

In my relationship, whether the situation is one of joy or despair, it is down to me to realise that I am the one who attracted it.  I am the one who is responsible for it, the one who has to remain with equanimity, and the one who has to bear it.

 

To emphasise this point, in the book The Self Realization, the interpretation of stanza 84 states that “The results of good and bad actions are unmistakably experienced, enjoyed or suffered by living beings in this world.”

Why do we so frequently put the blame on our partner, the people or the objects outside ourselves, when there’s friction in the relationship? How about taking full responsibility for the karma we’re binding and therefore the situations we eventually experience.

Anything you experience in your various relationships is a direct outcome of karma coming to fruition - the same cluster of karmic particles that were bound to your soul during a previous interaction you have had with the world during this or a previous life, has now arisen as a situation you are experiencing.

Therefore you are directly responsible for every single thing you are experiencing.  

In Twelve Facets of Reality, Pujyashri Chitrabhanu talks about marriage:  ”That inner level will also bring deep meaning to relationships. When husband and wife inspire each other, they become beautiful company for one another. Their communication turns into an eternal communion. The idea in marriage is to work out karmas and be a complement to each other. When we live on that inner level, we communicate and find out what is our mission. And when one feels low, the other is a lifting spirit. “This will pass,” he tells his partner. “We have to be patient and wait for the sunrise.” When one person is moody, there is no need for the other to add to the misery. There is no permanent pain nor is there any permanent bubbling happiness. What is permanent? Inner bliss, tranquillity; all else comes and goes.”  

Start from this position of extreme responsibility, rise above the circumstances, apply abundant love and compassionate communication, and there’s your recipe for a healthy marriage.

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This article was originally commissioned by Young Jains UK for their February 2009 issue of the Young Jains newsletter which focused on the theme of Love.  You can find out more about Young Jains at www.youngjains.org.uk, and follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/YoungJains

I have just returned from an indulgent vegan-friendly, jazzy-vibe, alcohol-free, stripper-free stag do. My brothers set up a semi-surprise priceless night out.

Just 48 hours earlier, Kavit asked me if I’d like to have a stag do on Friday night.  I said no thanks.  The wedding’s minimalist and low-key, and I didn’t really feel like having a stag do which involved getting drunk and ogling nude women.  Turns out he convinced me to have one, with a twist.  Kavit and Sawan took care of everything.

Vegan-friendly

I’ve been following a vegan diet since April (over 8 months now), so they made arrangements to have dinner at one of the best vegan-friendly restaurants in Britain.  The customer service was excellent, and everyone was really impressed with the food.  The next time you’re in London, make a special effort to visit Mildreds in Soho.  Although they have a no booking policy (other than for the private dining room), and they’re always busy, it’s well worth arriving early and waiting to be seated.

Alcohol-free

Following an intention to be more alert and aware of my surroundings and take considered action, I have been keeping away from consuming alcohol for the last couple of months.  I decided to drink no beer, wine or spirits all evening, which everyone around me kindly supported (following a little stubborn-ness from from my side).

Stripper-free… but I’m up for some jazz

There’s a certain level of respect I have for women and see no reason to spend part of my pre-marriage time pleasing my visual senses and igniting my passions at the sight of luscious curves on a stranger’s body.

Instead I diverted my sensual pleasures to that of vibrant jazz music.  The boys had made reservations at Ronnie Scott’s Jazz Club in Soho, one of the UK’s foremost jazz venues.  Not only that, but they had unknowingly booked seats at the venue for the multi-award-winning trombonist Dennis Rollins - someone who bassist Darren Taylor of Jazzreloaded has highly recommended over the last few years. 

The perfect stag night

So it turns out that I had manifested the perfect stag-night: vegan-friendly, alcohol-free (for me at least), immersed in jazz music which I love, and not a single stripper or hooker in sight (even though we were in the heart of Soho)!

At the drop of a hat, my dear brothers and friends who could make it decided that they will be there.  Sawan, Kavit, Sagar, Deep, Amit & Ash - blessings to each of you for making the night so special.

During the bus journey home this evening, it occured to me how serious I have recently become.

Do I really need to get overwhelmed and stressed by the number of emails in by inbox?  Pathetic, really.

For many people, their businesses are suffering in this current economic climate.

While the business suffers, am I suffering?  While this body suffers, am I suffering?

The answer is of course “No”, so why do I consume so much energy stressing over the situations outside of myself?  I must be a fool!  :)

Let me define and focus on my key responsibilities.  That is all.

The enemy is not outside me.
It is right here within me.

Why must I punish those who care for me?
The challenges I face, I brought them to me.

May I stop fighting with the enemy outside me,
So that I may conquer the enemy that’s within me.

Today a squirrel helped teach me about compassion.

Driving near home this morning, my friend Heena and I witnessed a squirrel running into the road, and being crushed under the wheel of the car in the opposite lane.  It lay there on the road, motionless.

I was shocked, and didn’t know what to do.  Heena’s deep well of compassion led her to turn the car round, drive up and stop at the middle of the road where the squirrel lay with blood on the ground, put her hazard lights on, and she stepped out of the car.

She then got a couple of carrier bags from out of the boot, walked over to the squirrel who was most certainly dead from the blow it would have received, and picked it up with the carrier bag.  We certainly couldn’t have left it to continue getting crushed in the road.

I took the bag off her to find a place to dispose of this squirrel’s body, then got into the car and we went on our way.

You should have seen this poor squirrel, it’s body still warm, wrapped up in the carrier bag in my right hand, blood seeping out of it’s head.  This is one squirrel who won’t make it home tonight.  This is one squirrel who may have been out collecting food for it’s dependants.  This is the last Easter that the squirrel would have spent with it’s family.

My biggest lesson learnt was from Heena, and her solid determination to do the right thing at the right time.  It would have been easy to drive off and let someone else handle it (as if anyone really would have), or let the squirrel continue to be crushed in the road.  But no, she decided to stop, and it appeared to me that if she witnessed it, then she’s responsible for it.  She did what was most important in that moment.

So do you believe that?  Do you believe that if you witness something, that suddenly it’s your responsibility?  Do you believe that you are creating the world that’s around you, and that if you see a problem, you must accept ownership of it?  What are the problems and difficulties you’re witnessing in the world around you, and truly ask yourself - how many of those are you creating?  Or is it just easier to put the blame on someone else, and let them fix it?  Is it just easier to have let that other careless driver take responsibility and come back and move the carcass from the middle of the road?

Friends want to show that they care. They show that they care by forwarding you a funny story, a virus warning, or a photo that they enjoyed. They show that they care by sending a mass email using the “To:” field and so exposing your email address to a bunch of strangers.

The next time your friend displays less-than-acceptable consideration when emailing you, how about sending them the following response…

Hi there:

Please visit http://thanksno.com/

It’s because I like getting personal messages from you, but don’t want any more email like this, please.

With love,
…

Having just watched the first film directed and produced by Aamir Khan, the recent bollywood hit Taare Zameen Par left the whole family lost for words.

This story is about a young boy with the challenge of dyslexia, who was mis-understood by his parents and teachers, teased by the fellow school kids, and who gradually lost his self-confidence. Catch the trailer here and check out this movie which although is in Hindi, will most likely be showing with English subtitles…

This movie highlighted the lack of support many children get from their parents. Children are so often afraid of just being themselves. They feel that they have to consistently live up to their parents’ expectations of how they should act, the aspirations they should hold, and who they should be.

It also reminded me of the powerful force I’ve had throughout my life - both my parents have stood by me, no matter what, and have supported my gradual progress in life. I’m sure there have been many moments of anxiety for them when they’d be wondering if I’d ever settle down into a “stable job”. Regardless, both mum and dad have been the secure foundation for me to discover myself, and allow me just to be as I am. In fact, I feel blessed that some of my closest friends have also been such a gentle and caring pillar of strength for me to gently tread along the path that continues to be defined for me.

Mum and dad - thank you…

Much love,
Suraj

Dinesh & Shilpa
Dad and Mum
New Years Eve 2002

The next time you’re out on vacation and you take a suitcase that has a zipper on it, here’s what to do if you lose the key to the padlock.  All you need is a pen!

Breaking Into A Suitcase

Maybe when they invented zips, they were meant only for doing up the fly on your jeans or to close up your jacket!

What would you suggest is decent vacation baggage as an alternative to carrying a suitcase that has a zipper on it?

Fact is, there are some things that just bring grief to a relationship.

There’ll be friction. There’ll be heat. You’re different - she’s different.

Sometimes, you’re just gonna have to tolerate the differences.

Sometimes, you’re just gonna have to tolerate: your girlfriend.

Here’s how to tolerate your girlfriend so that your relationship becomes smoother…

Step 1: Attend to the situation you’re currently exposed to.

Step 2: Observe the element in her that you’re finding hard to deal with.

Step 3: Cherish this element in her, COMPLETELY.

By fully attending to the whole situation that has arisen for you both, hone in on that part of her presence that’s brought up this friction within you - hold it in your hand and observe it from all angles - and then learn to cherish this part of her.

You see, it’s not really about tolerance - it’s about loving what’s there, whatever it is, rather than wishing it wasn’t.

Now that you’ve cherished this one element in her, extend the love you’re starting to feel and cherish all of her, head to toe, inside and out. I assure you, it’s worth it.

What are you learning to cherish in YOUR girlfriend? Share your comments below…

There you go - smoother relationships in three easy steps.

Much love,
Sol

p.s. would you like to learn How To TAME Your Girlfriend In 3 Easy Steps?

This week I am limiting my computer use to 6 hours.  Regardless of whether it is for emails, surfing, blogging, skype chat, social networking, writing articles, or listening to music, I will only use the computer for a maximum of 6 hours this week.

Yes, it is an experiment.  It tests to see what happens to the quality of my work, the depth of my relationships, and my level of vitality.

I expect that by limiting my use of the computer, my method of working would be more reliant on spending enough time working things out in my own mind, and then exploring creative ways to record information and communicate it with those I am collaborating on projects with.  It would also have an impact on my health (more time healthy eating and getting fresh air rather than being stuck in front of a computer), and most certainly enrich my personal and business relationships.

So hey, lets see what happens in a week and how it really impacts my work, my relationships, and my vitality…

For it to be truly effective and to make the most of limited time on the computer, it requires me to batch tasks such as checking and responding to emails, programming in Living Jain quotes, or raising invoices.

If you happen to get an autoresponder message from me when you email me this week, please be patient for my response - after all, the time I have on my computer is limited so that it can make me unlimited!

Much love,
Sol