Dear family and friends,

The month of May has so far been one of celebration, bereavement, remembrance, family closeness, career progress and preparing for this summer’s events.

In the early May bank holiday weekend, Heena and I spent 3 days in Brighton to celebrate her birthday, where we feasted at several of Brighton’s many vegetarian / vegan restaurants. If you’re going to Brighton, I highly recommended the vegetarian restaurant Terre à Terre.

We held bhakti (devotional prayers) on Saturday 16th May in memory of Heena’s father who passed away 9 years ago and in memory of Heena’s kaka (father’s brother) who passed away 6 years ago, and a sadadi /prathna sabha (prayer meeting) on Saturday 23rd May for our dear nanima (my mum’s mum) who passed away in Nairobi earlier this month.

On Monday 25th May, a few of the family got together to write kankotris / invitations for my brother Sawan’s wedding which is taking place in August. It was a productive day, and with the recent bereavements in the family, it was wonderful to have the warmth of the family come together.

Preparation is coming along well for the session titled “Revealing the Gremlins” which I’ll be presenting at the Young Jains International Convention this July. It’s about recognising the barriers we face when working towards our goals, and explores what karma is really about. If you want to know more about this, you can read an introduction to the session ‘Revealing the Gremlins’ .

The convention is taking place on the weekend of 17th to 19th July in London, and is open to all ages (aimed mostly at age 16 to 35 and beyond, although there’s a special kids convention taking place alongside it). Do register to attend if it sounds interesting - the cost is heavily subsidised, and registration includes delicious Jain vegan meals! Let me know if you’d like to know more, or see www.youngjains.org.uk/convention for details.

Public speaking is also becoming an important element in my career, where last week I was invited to a conference to speak about digital marketing strategies to a room full of university marketing and communications professionals. This is really important for me because my role at Chameleon Net focuses on building relationships with existing clients and attracting more clients from the higher education sector. I received some very constructive feedback from the session I presented, which will help to make me a better public speaker over time.

Next month, Heena and I will be celebrating six months being married (and incidentally a year since I proposed to her). It’ll consist of more preparation towards the Young Jains Convention in July and Sawan’s wedding in August. Of course, June is also the month in which I’ll be growing a year older / wiser!

As you can see, the next few months will be quite action-packed, so thanks to all who have been patient with me about arranging to spend some quality one-on-one time together - this will happen September 2009 onwards…

With love,
Suraj

Wishing my brother Sawan a very happy 26th birthday today.

With love,
Suraj 

Sawan Birthday Message - 27Feb2009 from Suraj Shah on Vimeo.

How to take extreme responsibility in your marriage and soften it with abundant love and compassionate communication.

Disclaimer: I declare that what I write about in this article is not something that I have mastered yet.  My intention is to fulfil my duty as a husband and a family man, but I also know I have a long distance to travel.  Perhaps if I’m walking down the right path and I’m willing to keep walking, then eventually I’ll make progress…

When in a marriage or intimate relationship of any sort, you experience good days and you experience not so good days.  There are some days you are both all loved up, and others where you can’t stand to be even in the same room as your partner. 

Situations in your marriage can be those which are pleasant to experience, such as a fresh pot of coffee waiting for you first thing in the morning when you wake up every day, or being whisked away to exotic destinations throughout the year. Situations can also arise which are frustrating or painful to experience like your spouse hogging the duvet or something much more serious such as verbal or physical abuse.

So what happens in these situations that makes marriage such a roller coaster of a ride?  Is it time to pay a visit to the ER (Emergency Room) or are you prepared to explore the position of ‘Extreme Responsibility’?

Let me give you the lowdown on part of the karmic process so that you get a glimpse of why certain situations arise in your life the way they do:

You, the Soul, are bound at this point in time by a number of karmic clusters which each have their own pre-determined “time-bomb”.  These karmic particles are roughly categorised as bad karma (paap) and better karma (punya).  

When the karma comes to fruition, you experience in your life a specific situation.  The situation could be that you come home from a long day at work to a loving wife who has caringly prepared a meal for you.  The moment you take your first mouthful, the subtleties of a situation present themselves based on the types of karma that come to fruition.

If the karma coming to fruition was initially bound as a form of ‘punya’, then you may find the first mouthful very pleasing to taste and would continue to enjoy the delicious meal which your wife has so lovingly prepared.  On the other hand, if the karma coming to fruition was initially bound as a form of ‘paap’, then the first morsel of food you consume may contain a very hot chilli, and you may get angry about the experience and throw the plate across the table!

Both of these situations started from a place of warmth and love on the side of your wife, but the first spoonful you are presented with is a result of your own karma coming to fruition, whether paap or punya.

In essence, the Soul is bound by a cluster of karmic particles that result in the fruition of karma at a later moment in time.  This we witness as “life’s situations”.

In The Self Realization (a translation of Atma-Siddhi by Srimad Rajchandra) the interpretation of stanza 82 states that “The Soul’s deluded imagination originates sentient actions such as impulses, desires etc.  They induce the Soul’s energy to work in attracting to it the superfine material elements (Karma-vargana) and the latter intertwine with the Soul resulting in its bondage.  This is how the Soul is said to be bound by material actions.”

So when you, the Soul, delude yourself into thinking that you are the body, desires to do with the body start to surface, and these desires result in the attraction of karmic matter to the Soul.

You may say, “Why should it matter to me?  I’m not to blame for this karma.  It’s my wife’s fault anyway.  Shouldn’t she have thought through the meal she’s preparing?  It’s a wife’s responsibility to keep her husband well fed and looked after, isn’t it!?”  

You see, this is where the problem lies - you’re putting the full responsibility of the experience on something or someone outside of yourself (your wife in this instance).  It was down to your own bodily impulses and instant reactions which led to karma being bound to the Soul in the first place, which in turn led to the same karma manifesting as a situation in your life.  

Now here’s where it gets dangerous…

In relationships and pretty much anything in life, we tend to instantly react to the situation we’re experiencing.  We rarely take the time to observe ourselves and nip this process in the bud.

The enjoyment (raag) of a delicious meal could result in the expectation of every single meal being of this standard, and the dislike (dwesh) of a meal which is too spicy could result in “Why did you have to make it so spicy!?  Don’t you care about me?  Now I’ll have to go to bed hungry!”  

This continuous experience of raag and dwesh, attraction and aversion, likes and dislikes, bring rise to the kashaya (passions) such as anger, greed, ego and deceit.  The way you express yourself through these kashaya (via thought, speech and action) attracts further karma towards the Soul.

This one negative reaction to something you dislike has a vicious knock-on effect which leads to more and more conflict and many wasted days of arguments and tears.

Perhaps it’s time you took Extreme Responsibility for the situations you’re experiencing rather than heading straight to the Emergency Room to place blame and create more pain. 

Note to self: 

I am responsible for everything that I am experiencing.  It is due to the karmic clusters which I had previously bound to my soul which are now coming to fruition.  

My words and deeds, amplified by the quality of my thoughts at the time, determined the level of vibration my Soul sent out, which attracted and bound those clusters of karmic particles that bound to my soul, which in turn I am now enjoying or suffering for.  

In my relationship, whether the situation is one of joy or despair, it is down to me to realise that I am the one who attracted it.  I am the one who is responsible for it, the one who has to remain with equanimity, and the one who has to bear it.

 

To emphasise this point, in the book The Self Realization, the interpretation of stanza 84 states that “The results of good and bad actions are unmistakably experienced, enjoyed or suffered by living beings in this world.”

Why do we so frequently put the blame on our partner, the people or the objects outside ourselves, when there’s friction in the relationship? How about taking full responsibility for the karma we’re binding and therefore the situations we eventually experience.

Anything you experience in your various relationships is a direct outcome of karma coming to fruition - the same cluster of karmic particles that were bound to your soul during a previous interaction you have had with the world during this or a previous life, has now arisen as a situation you are experiencing.

Therefore you are directly responsible for every single thing you are experiencing.  

In Twelve Facets of Reality, Pujyashri Chitrabhanu talks about marriage:  ”That inner level will also bring deep meaning to relationships. When husband and wife inspire each other, they become beautiful company for one another. Their communication turns into an eternal communion. The idea in marriage is to work out karmas and be a complement to each other. When we live on that inner level, we communicate and find out what is our mission. And when one feels low, the other is a lifting spirit. “This will pass,” he tells his partner. “We have to be patient and wait for the sunrise.” When one person is moody, there is no need for the other to add to the misery. There is no permanent pain nor is there any permanent bubbling happiness. What is permanent? Inner bliss, tranquillity; all else comes and goes.”  

Start from this position of extreme responsibility, rise above the circumstances, apply abundant love and compassionate communication, and there’s your recipe for a healthy marriage.

---

This article was originally commissioned by Young Jains UK for their February 2009 issue of the Young Jains newsletter which focused on the theme of Love.  You can find out more about Young Jains at www.youngjains.org.uk, and follow them on Twitter at http://twitter.com/YoungJains

Anytime you do something in your life that’s different, even if it is to empower yourself or improve your health, if those closest to you feel it’s different enough for them not to fit in, then whatever their relationship is with you will get amplified.

This is the core message shared in the following video by Dhrumil Purohit, who highlights the difference in the way his relationship with his (then) girlfriend changed compared to the relationship he has with his father when Dhrumil embarked on a vegan diet at the age of 18.

Food, Relationships and Acceptance from Dhrumil Purohit on Vimeo.

Dhrumil has over the years transformed his eating habits into a primarily raw diet, and has created a supportive community called We Like It Raw.  Dhrumil also shares pearls of wisdom through audio podcasts at SpiritualPlayer.com

Just like Dhrumil, both Heena and I decided to embark on a vegan diet following a PETA video presentation about the maltreatment of cows in India that we both saw at a Jain event. For us, it was at the Mahavir Janma Kalyanak event which we attended in London in April 2008. The event celebrated the birth of Mahavir Bhagwan, and was a time for us to take inspiration from his life and absorb some of the core qualities he lived by.

In the 10 months since this change in diet, Heena and I have found it relatively simple to prepare and enjoy vegan meals, and have been fortunate to have the support of each other and those who are closest to us. There have of course been incidents when even people closest to us have indicated that trying to cater for us has been really difficult, but on the whole we have received love and support from the people who matter.

It appears therefore, that when you make a firm decision to transform any element of your life, if your decision is resolute and unshakable, and if you do not hesitate with the next step you are taking, then the path clears for you to do what it is that you need to do. The relationships where you will receive the most support will, through amplification, reveal themselves.

On the day of my birthday earlier this month, I had the opportunity to have lunch with Peter Thornton who previously worked in his family business (Thorntons Plc) for 30 years, eventually retiring at the age of 54 as Chairman.  Prior to meeting him, I sent him an email saying…

My grandfather ran a utensils retail business with his brothers when in Mombasa (Kenya), and my father ran a menswear retail business with his brothers in London (UK), and I would love to launch a business several years down the road with my own brother.  There’s something very magical about family businesses, and naturally I’m sure they have their own challenges and a unique dynamic (!)

When you have a moment, it would be wonderful to hear what your top three tips for running a family business would be.

Peter then sent me a very thoughtful response to my request.

I thought what he shared would be valuable for my friends who are reading this blog, so asked if he would be happy for me to publish it and if he would give a little more information about himself, his background and his services, in case any of my friends would get value from having a longer conversation with him or engaging his services.  You’ll find some gems very much applicable to marriage too I’m sure…

—

Here’s what Peter wrote…

My Top Three Tips for Running a Family Business - before ever starting!

Relationships & Roles

Your suggestion is that this is with your brother only.  Naturally this is far more simple than if there are more relatives involved.  However there is a need for various roles to be covered in the initial team, for more on that see below.

The most successful operations are run by emotionally mature people working in equal partnership.  By ‘equal partnership’ I do not mean that every decision however small or large has to be always taken by all partners mutually but there will be specific areas where each individual has primary responsibility and within which, to understood limits, they can make their own decisions without reference to the other partners.

This paragraph has certain built-in requirements which need to be understood in advance:
‘Emotionally mature people’ - this is of paramount importance, whether in business or in marriage!  The totally emotionally mature person hardly exists most people are immature in some way.  Going into business with your brother has advantages and disadvantages; on the positive side you know him extremely well already, on the negative side you automatically and permanently have an emotional relationship with him.

You need to understand each other’s state of maturity, do you both feel yourselves to be totally independent, adult individuals? have you progressed beyond the childish relationship?  Do you behave like two adults to each other? does either of you have a serious emotional problem, such as the need to be always dominant, or the need to always be right?  Do you entirely trust each other in terms of honesty, intentions and communication in individual, team and family relationships?

A major contributor towards ‘progressing beyond the childish relationship’ will have been to work completely independently of each other in separate organisations doing separate things for a period of time prior working together.  This will establish the individual’s independence, abilities, self-confidence and usable experience to bring to the business relationship.

‘Specific areas where each individual has primary responsibility’ - to run any organisation it is necessary to have specialists in several different roles.  Mike Southern in his Beermat set of books defines them extremely well as: Sales Cornerstone, Technical Cornerstone and Finance Cornerstone.  One or more of these will be the Entrepreneur, most likely the Technical Cornerstone.  The Entrepreneur is essential of course.  The operation can manage without the Finance Cornerstone at least initially because this can be delegated to somebody else part-time.  You therefore need to be certain about each other’s strengths, one needs to be fully capable of being the Sales Cornerstone and the other capable of being the Technical Cornerstone.

The individual running each of these areas will of course have primary responsibility and decision-making powers in those areas.  The overall corporate governance will probably be shared equally between the two of you initially that it will eventually become necessary to decide that one individual will make the final decision in corporate matters having fully sounded out the other’s opinion.  In other words this person will become the CEO.  Whatever happens this role must not be decided on the family hierarchy basis but only on the basis of ability as must every other role.

Future Family Governance Systems.

You need to be fully in agreement in advance of starting the business what your objectives are.  Do you intend always to run this between the two of you and eventually to sell it without involving any more family members or do you intend it to become a family institution for the long-term?

If it is the former it is essential that you do not ever bring in, at a later stage, any other family members because if you do so you will immediately turn it into the latter.

If it is to be the latter then you need to agree with your brother in advance the principle of and some outline rules for the following:

• The Governance Structure for Business and Family.
• CEO Succession
• Agreeing Vision and Strategy
• Rules for Entry of new family members
• Future Share Ownership
• etc.

—

As requested, a few paragraphs about Peter himself…

I started work in the family firm of Thorntons Plc (manufacturing retail confectionery business) at the age of 10 working during the holidays until I was old enough to start full-time. I became a director of the company when I was 29 and retired when I was 54 in 1989 as Chairman.

This gave me much valuable experience as a director of a family company where at one time there were six members of the family all working together.  Since that time I have studied the theory and practice of family business thoroughly preparing myself for working with family businesses.

Conflict can become very serious and destructive within a family business and it needs an outsider to relieve it.  I offer my services for this purpose and also for prescribing the stages that follow resolution of the conflict so that systems and procedures can be set up to avoid these problems occurring again in the future.

Please contact me at: peter@thornton-asc.co.uk or by telephone: 01395-548199 or Mobile 07836-212713. www.thornton-asc.co.uk

—

Hope you found the above words by Peter useful.  Are you running your own family business at the moment?  What are the highs and lows?  What tips would you offer?  Would these tips translate well into the world of marriage too?

Having just watched the first film directed and produced by Aamir Khan, the recent bollywood hit Taare Zameen Par left the whole family lost for words.

This story is about a young boy with the challenge of dyslexia, who was mis-understood by his parents and teachers, teased by the fellow school kids, and who gradually lost his self-confidence. Catch the trailer here and check out this movie which although is in Hindi, will most likely be showing with English subtitles…

This movie highlighted the lack of support many children get from their parents. Children are so often afraid of just being themselves. They feel that they have to consistently live up to their parents’ expectations of how they should act, the aspirations they should hold, and who they should be.

It also reminded me of the powerful force I’ve had throughout my life - both my parents have stood by me, no matter what, and have supported my gradual progress in life. I’m sure there have been many moments of anxiety for them when they’d be wondering if I’d ever settle down into a “stable job”. Regardless, both mum and dad have been the secure foundation for me to discover myself, and allow me just to be as I am. In fact, I feel blessed that some of my closest friends have also been such a gentle and caring pillar of strength for me to gently tread along the path that continues to be defined for me.

Mum and dad - thank you…

Much love,
Suraj

Dinesh & Shilpa
Dad and Mum
New Years Eve 2002

Flicking through a collection of pics and videos with my dad and brother earlier today, I came across a video of my very own cousin waking us up after a heavy night out drinking in Corfu back in 2002. Check out his terrific rendition of “Wake up, it’s a beautiful morning!”

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/spq-bBBAJio" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Who needs an alarm clock when you have this wiked pop idol knocking your hangover into next week!?

Los Angeles based Hip Hop group Karmacy communicate a dialogue between two brothers.

With a part gujarati conversation, they tell a story about how one brother wants to escape the boredom of Indian life to explore the girls and money of America and become a millionaire. The other brother asks him what’s the need?

How often are we running outside ourselves and to other parts of the world to seek fame, fortune, excitement, love, and acceptance?

On the other hand, why hold back from travelling and exploring?

When we decide to venture out into the wider world, what’s the incentive, and what’s the intention? What are we expecting from the experience and what are our motives behind our actions?

Drawn out from they lyrics of “Blood Brothers” by Karmacy, you’ll find that “nomatter where I go, my soul is in the same place”.

At the beginning of this year, I jetted out to India for a week because my dad’s uncle had suddenly passed away. It was worthwhile spending time with the family out there and being there for my little cousins.

I later found out that two blind people had been given the gift of sight, because my dad’s uncle had his eyes donated.

Although inspired to sign up as an organ donor, I forgot to do it, until a leaflet jumped up at me whilst I was sorting out some paperwork today.

Immediately I visited www.uktransplant.org.uk, and within minutes I was registered to have any of my organs donated when I pass on. Easy peasy! When I’m dead, I won’t be needing my body, so someone else might as well make use of the useful bits.

Did you know that thanks to the miracle of cornea transplantation, more than 2,000 people in the UK have their sight restored every year?

Yet there is still a serious shortage of donated corneas. Will you consider cornea donation when you sign up - and give the gift of sight?

There has been one dominating factor that’s kept me single all these months. My father’s love for my mother has been so strong ever since I’ve known, that I could never imagine them both separating. As my mum’s health declined over the last decade, and as I witnessed mum’s state of health dramatically drop over the past year, I realised that when her spirit heads out into another dimension, dad would be left alone. I imagined that he would be devastated under such a situation, and that for me to avoid any pain myself, it’s best if I do not find someone to share my life with, just in case I lose her. I guessed that detachment meant not sharing my life with someone.

So mum passed away 3 and a half months back, and you know what, dad’s doing ok. Yes he misses her, we all do, but what’s important here is that we’ve all recognised the transient nature of reality. Everything changes, constantly. People come and people go. I no longer need to be looking out for ‘Miss Right’ - the permanent one who will be with me forever. No, I just need to keep an eye out for ‘Miss Right Now’ - the one who I can share my current life experiences with, the one who’s life I can enrich through my unique understanding of the world, and who can enrich my experience through hers.

So where are you, ‘Miss Right Now’? Where are you hiding? Come on out - make yourself known to me. It’s ok, now is all that matters.